How to Keep a Straight Face

A few of these tips from wikiHow may come in handy:

- Focus on relaxing all the muscles of your face. Its easy with a little practice.

- Immediately think of a math problem that you don't readily know the answer to and try to solve it in your head. Seven times thirty-eight. One fifty-four divided by six. This will keep your brain just distracted enough until the moment passes.

- Bite the side of your cheek, or the inside of your top lip really hard. If you bite the inside of your lip it will look like you are concerned. (It worked for Bill Clinton).

- Clench your teeth and don't let your mouth open. If you do, then the greater the possibility that you will burst out laughing.

Keep at it. Don't give up. Practice makes perfect.

Look, these two guys from Utah seem to have mastered the techniques with no problem at all:

But then again, there is no knowing how many tries it took the photographer to get this one perfect shot.

You've got to love the book description, especially number seven on the list of miracles:

The last best hope of Earth? No less. Who would have thought?

It does make one wonder, doesn't it?

Doth God have a sense of humor?

Apparently so.

But can he keep a straight face?


  1. Basically here, the authors have wagered their immortal soul, if they have one, on the chance that God is American. Should that make them worried or what?

    What if God is British, you say?

    What a conundrum.

    But the gentleman came to the right place with this. So glad you asked, sir.

  2. We need some way to decide.

    I'll defer to Randall E. Auxier's expertise in the matter:

    "The evidence is a bit ambiguous. I mean, the sinking of the Spanish Armada and Trafalgar seem to suggest God may be British. But it's hard to be sure. We only know He isn't Spanish or French. God might still be German, but here Nietzsche helps, since the "madman" was unable to find him there. If God is German, He is hiding or afraid of us or has emigrated (in which case He might still be British by naturalization). Since God was drinking Two-Buck-Chuck with, me, He isn't Italian. If God is Russian, everyone is screwed, starting with the Russians. No point in worrying over that. We might go on by this process of elimination that philosophers call "induction" until the salmon goes bad, but let's use a handier method. Philosophers call it "deduction." which is induction for lazy, impatient people."

    It's based on Pascal's Wager and the fallacy of excluded middle. It goes something like this:

    Getting Right with Brian

  3. For those patrons of the British persuasion amongst us, don't let the authors of Seven Miracles That Saved America get your spirit down.

    Still deferring to Randall's expertise here:

    "The strongest competitor for God's nationality is, well, American. If ever a bunch of undeserving people was touched by divine favor, it's the Americans—even luck seems eliminated as a competitor. No, if God is an American, you're a goner. And frankly, most of the evidence, with the exception of Viet Nam and Iraq, points to an American God."

    "But consider: isn't it right that only a British God could have thought up America. America is to Britain what Disneyworld is to, well, America. It's an impossible gift, beyond human imagination, to be allowed to be British and to see what your entire culture would look like if it were a cartoon. It is true that America could never be as funny to the British as they are to themselves, but it runs a fair second. Yes, God is British and when the Britons had everything else God could give them, and became bored with it, the Supernatural Make-a-Wish Foundation for declining empires waved a wand. Poof. America. And here we are: watching Monty Python, not exactly getting it, but laughing at it just as cartoon characters would laugh at us if they could see us watching them on telly.
    You can get off your knees now. You've been naughty, but God is not an American and your mortal soul is healthy. Your immortal soul, if you have one, has my assurance that God is not angry, and that your enemies will all die at some point. I could be wrong of course. Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time."

  4. I captioned that last picture a couple of years ago...